Because I am compelled to talk about myself, and maybe because it’s a new year and I’m feeling reflective and ambitious, and certainly because I’ve had a lot of heart movement in the past few weeks, I’ve decided to start writing here again.
I need to get some things out of my head-space. I need to be expressive and vulnerable and even though I am a notorious over-sharer, sometimes I need to just get real. I went the entirety of 2014 doing that in real time and that’s ok- but now feels like a good time to be more expansive. And that’s ok too.
I ordered some journey-making materials today- Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst and a couple Moleskine notebooks. I’m more than a little discombobulated by my weight right now. I thought by 26 that I would have it mostly sorted out. I’ve certainly expected myself to reach some sort of balance about it by the time I was ready to start a family and by the time I would measure myself as a “grown up” but I’m at that intersection in my life now and I’m so not sorted out.
I’m frustrated about the amount of time I’ve invested in this particular issue of my life and the lack of any real movement. When I consider other areas in my life, I can track real growth. I fight more fairly now than I did 3 years ago. I’m clarifying my own definition of discipleship daily. I’ve learned new crochet stitches, for pete’s sake! But I weigh more, worry more, and have less answers about my own health than ever before. I’m fussing over some real issues and some silly ones. No where else do vanity, wellness, spiritual awareness, pop-culture, and psychological coping mechanisms meet up quite so forcefully than when I think about my weight. I am not my weight. I am smart, I have good taste, I tell really funny jokes, I plan good parties. But that stage on which I am a player is heavily influenced by my health and my weight is a part of my health. It’s a big part. And my weird psycho hangups about my weight are part of my health, too.
So back to the journey. I’ve heard great things about Made to Crave. I’m eager to be influenced. Bless Amazon.com- I ordered this morning and it shipped this afternoon. The Moleskine is to start a daily affirmation journal. I’m going to make a sincere attempt to take a daily vitamin and when I do, to document one thing I appreciate about my physical body. Maybe it will evolve to meet a greater need down the road or maybe it will never be less superficial than “I’ve got nice nail beds.” (I do.)
I have 2 goals for this year: Lose 5 pounds a month and eat less fake food. One very outcomes oriented goal and one that’s more purpose-driven. I hope together these are baby steps towards something transformative. I’ll almost certainly be re-reading Food Rules by Michael Pollan.
All of this is to say I’m evaluating. If you know me at all, you’re thinking, “duh.” This is the thing I do. It’s not a season in my life, but a habit. It’s how I move about my day. I’m taking a spinning class tomorrow night. I’ll have some things to say about that for certain. I’m thinking about trying to find a church home again. I’ll probaby hash some of that out here. I’ve got serious Instagram-envy for a girl I don’t even know. Yeah. That’s happening.
Thanks for being on my team. Stay tuned for more.