Y’all. I had the most real thing happen to me at yoga. It was so tangible and absolutely moving.
(Disclaimer: If you’re new here, I want you to know something- I promise I’m not grandstanding. If you’ve ever had a few drinks with me or been my husband, then you know I talk like this all the time. It’s true, I really do.)
You guys, I tried to go to class with an open mind and an open heart and no expectations. So of course I walk in knowing and expecting to be the most ridiculous person there. And we are moving through the positions and I am struggling. I’m so new to my own practice but I’m feeling so shaken- not by the lack of fluidity to my moves but the presence of my own body. If yoga is good for one thing it is making you hyper-aware.
So I’m wiggled down into pigeon pose and I just can’t do it. My boobs and my tummy are literally in the way. They are getting in the way of the rest of my body. I’m a mess. And I start thinking about how I’m the fattest person in the room which I noticed approximately .06 seconds after walking in. And this thought forms- Damn it. I’m always the fattest person in the room. Even when I was thinner, I was still fatter than everyone else. Damn it. I’m not proud that I have those thoughts but I don’t want to mislead you. And as I’m sitting there putting out a seriously weak fire log pose, I think, my next post is going to be about body shame. And I’m going to have to admit that I don’t know what to do with it. We move into my favorite part of the class- the end. Savasana (corpse pose) is my jam. (Click on that link and look at all those people just laying there like they’re dead. Ha.) Relax your body, soften your mind.
THIS IS WHERE SH*T GETS REAL.
As I’m cooling my jets and trying to remind myself that it’s ok if I never ever do a headstand at the peak of a mountain, in my head pops up so distinctly-
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Look, I don’t know where you stand spiritually. Maybe you are a Jesus-lover like me. Maybe you sense infinity when you go on a hike and you see a pine tree that is just too legit. Maybe you believe in the goodness that is your best friend from the second grade knowing exactly the right time to bring you a 6-pack and a really delicious block of smoked cheddar cheese. The world is just full of beauty.
Side note- If you don’t think the world is full of beauty, get with me. I wanna hear you out. We can go out to my dad’s farm where I spent the worst and some of the best years of my life; there’s this cement pad where a grain silo used to be that overlooks the river bottom and that view is just overpowering. That tree line has seen me through a lot of life. I want to know your story.
I heard that verse in my head (Jeremiah 29:11) and it told me so many things I need to hear right now. I am overwhelmed with the sense that I have purpose and that I am known. I’m beginning to understand that this is where God wants me to be. It isn’t even about progress or growth. The reason I am at my current weight, and bad at yoga, and scared of spinning is because it’s the place where I am supposed to be. It isn’t “be bad now so you can be good later“. It is “be bad now because that matters today.” You can be someone’s friend because your chair pose twist is a joke. You can serve someone because you’ve decided to start walking on your lunch break once a week. (You is me, in this scenario… Are you following along?)
However you hear the universe speak to you, I want you to learn this lesson with me. You are not a mistake. You are not put together wrong. Today is a part of your story and it matters. And it doesn’t just matter because it’s going to hang a lantern for tomorrow’s story. If tomorrow never comes (bless you Garth Brooks. Bless.) the You as you are today still mattered. As a perfectionist, I have struggled with this my entire life. Today, I want to start letting it go. (Prayer hands emoji)