Last summer I was kind of freaking out. Brett and I had pretty much decided we were ready to start a family which is great, fine, whatever, but I was having a serious moment because “baby weight” was just not something I could afford to gain. In addition to the initial appointment with my physician, I scheduled a session with an acupuncturist who I love and adore- Holly at Kirksville Family Acupuncture. Holly is some kind of wizard or something and I wanted her very sound advice about (I’ll just be honest here) whether or not I was too fat to have a baby.
It might surprise you (as it did me) to know that Holly’s answer was something along the lines of “OK GOOFBALL COOL YOUR JETS.” (This is a more or less acceptable answer to most of my concerns.) But really, Holly said, “You’re okay. It’s okay. Let’s think about some of this stuff.” I had reached what I felt to be my breaking point. I needed to lose weight immediately if not before so I could be in the best shape physically, mentally, and emotionally before getting pregnant.
Since that time I have not gotten pregnant but I have gained another 10 pounds. Yep- you heard that right. I gained 10 more pounds after reaching my breaking point. The problem with my “breaking point” is that I’ve always been past it. When I was 17, I weighed 175 pounds and was, in my very humble opinion, a stone cold fox. At that time, I thought “If I ever weigh more than 200 pounds just put me out of my misery.” Mercy. (Anyone else wish they were as “fat” as they were at 17? SAME.)
I am at the strangest point in my life now, however, where I am grateful for those 10 pounds I gained. Those 10 pounds brought me to this space. Those 10 pounds came with me to a conversation in my kitchen with my husband who said “I love you just the way you are. You are smoking hot. But you are hurting and I think you should get some help so your heart can have a break.” Those 10 pounds hauled my ass to spinning and got in my way at yoga. That scale can always go up. It can always go down. But this getting in shape physically, mentally, and emotionally? It actually takes giving attention to each of those pieces in order to reach a place of wellness. Ho boy, do I want to be well.
I have approached my health from an emotional angle my whole life. Last summer, it was fear. Often, it’s shame. I could not will myself out of that space. But fear and shame aren’t part of my spirit. And when you aren’t living in your spirit? Well for me, that’s a recipe for disaster. I’m reading a lot lately and talking more and reaching out for that encouragement and that joy that helps me live in my spirit. In fact, I’m so optimistic about my direction that I think I’d like to keep these last 10 pounds and just lose all the rest.
Oh gawd kidding. Get out of here 10 pounds!