Turning North

You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north (Deuteronomy 2:3)

I mentioned that I was buying a book called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I read it last weekend because when I need to hear a message, I just have to get to it, ya know? There is so much good content and I want to unpack some of it here. (What I really want is for you to read it too and for the two of us to grab coffee sometime and talk about it, but this will do for now.)

I’m pretty anxious that someone is going to scan through the archives of this blog and notice that this isn’t my first rodeo. In 2013, I lost almost 30 pounds. I had some real success, but I just stopped. And when I stopped, I gained that weight back. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I’m afraid that makes me a fraud. Why should you take me seriously? Heads up- this is another example of when you is me. What I’m really asking is . . .

Why should I take myself seriously? 

Indeed. Past failures are haunting. They creep around in the corners of my mind and whisper to me when I’m trying to sleep. You couldn’t do it before, what makes you think you can do it now? 

Reader, I have been commanded to turn north.

Made to Crave is about recognizing our deficits and the patterns we fall into when we attempt to fill them. What are we seeking? What are we consuming? Where do we lean for strength? Turn north, my friends.

Today, I’m choosing to accept that my struggles with weight are a chapter of my story. Failures are raw, but they speak a truth into my life that words cannot. Something was not right in that time, in that space. Something was not intuitive. The lens was not focused.

Don’t just circle around again, turn north.

TerKeurst warns against becoming victims of our circumstances. There is no sense in pretending this will be easy or that I won’t encounter hurdles or that my heart won’t hurt when I don’t have the strength to skip the plate of greasy, salty fries. But these moments do not signal the end of my trip, only the moment in which I have the opportunity to turn north- to do something different that I did not do before.

What does turning north mean for me? For me it begins here- this safe space where I can be unapologetically vulnerable. I am putting light on some of my most raw wounds and bless you friends for being so kind and so careful with me. I love you.

I am scheduling regular acupuncture appointments with Holly again. She helps me find my center. She helps focus my lens.

I am making a calendar that includes spinning on Mondays and Wednesdays and yoga on Fridays and scheduling moments for taking vitamins and writing in a Moleskine notebook that says “Self Love” on the cover.

I am praying, God, be present with me in this space. Be the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

I am giving up fast food and cutting out wheat. I am eating whole foods and keeping wine and chocolate. I’m giving up going back for seconds and eating most things that come in packages.

I’m trying new things and if they don’t work, I’m putting them down and trying something different. I’m forgiving myself and I’m taking my value as a person off the table. My outside appearance is manifest of an inner struggle. It is my heart and mind that must turn north, so my body can follow.

I asked my best friend if she would pray for me. And, I’m sitting here crying a little bit because her answer was It would be an honor to pray for you and I can’t get over how special and important it is to have someone who loves you so much they would intercede on your behalf. Her answer pointed me true north. Mercy.

It is so easy to listen to that whisper and to feel discouraged by the preface to my story. But today is new and there is so much light that wants to shine into the darkness of our corners if we will open up and receive it. Today is my chance to turn north, I have no interest in circling that mountain again.


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